February 2012
6 posts
5 tags
“Your Highness! I beg you, please do not fingerbang that manatee!”
– King’s assistant, Manatee Fingerbang sketch
5 tags
“PIZZA’S NOT FOR BREAKFAST! AAAARRRRRRRHHHH!”
– Sam, Pizza Bagels sketch
6 tags
“This is not a form of brainwashing. This is not a form of brainwashing. This is...”
– Kids, Pledge of Allegiance sketch
5 tags
“Those guys that made all that money off Google, they didn’t Google shit.”
– Zach, Kid Beer sketch
6 tags
“I don’t use tampons, I air dry.”
– Trevor’s date, Air Dry sketch
January 2012
25 posts
6 tags
“Call me when you’re doing meth and then we’ll talk.”
– Dad, Sophomores sketch
4 tags
“Your shirt says “Fuck this job, and fuck Brian.” And…...”
– Brian, T-Shirt sketch
5 tags
General: Who wrote this thing?
Captain Lee Retarded: I wrote this!
General: Then you, Captain Lee Retarded, are demoted to Major Lee Retarded!
4 tags
“If you stick your dick in this vacuum cleaner and turn it on, you’re going...”
– Salesman, Rip Your Dick Off sketch
5 tags
“Abraham Lincoln was actually hammered in the ass so much that he died from being...”
– Timmy, Abe Lincoln sketch
4 tags
“OH HEEEEEELLLLL NO!”
– Sasha the Fabulous (Fat Black Woman), multiple sketches
5 tags
Trevor: What gives you the right to go around and tell people how to live their lives?
Ulysses S. Grant: Well that's rich, coming from the Confederate.
Sam: You're the fucking Confederate!
Ulysses S. Grant: No, YOU'RE the fucking Confederate!
4 tags
“You could give your mom a surprise Finger Ring. You can give a stranger a Finger...”
– Finger Ring Friends sketch
5 tags
Trevor: Did you just play dead through all 27 battles?
Doug: Not the 24th!
Sam: What happened there?
Doug: I slept in and missed it!
Just So U' Know...
Submissions open!
5 tags
Firing squad commander: Do you have any last words?
Frank Rosenthorpe: Yes. Just three.
5 tags
Man: Listen, I'm a very wealthy man!
Jerry Bronham: Wealthy men mean good lawyers, Bob! The decision's getting easier all the time!
Man: I have children! I have three sons at home!
Jerry Bronham: Three sons grow up to be three grown men, Bob! Grown men with vendettas against their father's murderer!
Man: Help! Jesus!
Jerry Bronham: Uh oh, Bob, he's getting Jesus involved! Better hurry, it takes Jesus 4.5 seconds to get to earth!
5 tags
“Dump her and marry me! Dump her and marry me! You should dump her, and then you...”
– Barbara, Bigfoot vs. Gravedigger sketch
5 tags
“I hope I do really, really good in homeschool so that way I can get into...”
– Caleb, Homeschool sketch
4 tags
“I like to have sex with my coat on. And standing up!”
– Trevor/Sam, Little Rascals sketch
5 tags
“I thought you were a pizza /
But you were just my heartbreak /
Insects and...”
– Trent Reznor sketch
6 tags
“I possess a sort of sociopathic narcissism that makes me think that I should be...”
– Senator Clint Webb, Clint Webb sketch
5 tags
Businessman: Hey, kid! What're you doing?!
Scotty: Hitting this building with a hammer.
Businessman: You can't do that!
Scotty: Uh-huh. My parents are dead.
Businessman: Duuuuh!
8 tags
“Suck my presidential cock, bitch! You fatass piece of shit! You tub-of-lard...”
– Abe Lincoln sketch
5 tags
“Weeeeellll my mom hates my dad and my dad hates my mom and my mom hates my dad...”
– Steven, Mom and Dad’s Divorce sketch
5 tags
“I said KITTY porn! Like with kittens!”
– Trevor, Great Grandmas sketch
4 tags
“First, it is my wishes that I be buried the way I felt most comfortable in life:...”
– Old Man Winters’ will, Old Man Winters sketch
6 tags
Pimp: It's whore-ible what happened to her!
Nurse: Yes, it is horrible.
Pimp: No no no, it's WHORE-ible what happened to her.
Nurse: Yes, I get it, sir. She's a working girl - now look, she has been bruised up pretty badly.
Pimp: She looks WHORE-ific!
Nurse: Sir, I get it. Whore. Now can you please answer some questions so we can understand how to treat her.
Pimp: It's WHORE-d to understand how something like this could happen.
Nurse: Sir, please!
Pimp: I told her not to go out tonight, and I knew it was going to be dangerous. You see, this morning I read her WHORE-oscope.
Nurse: Can you at least tell me her name?
Pimp: Her name was Cindy and she'd been working with me for about a year. She was going to leave this fall and go to state university. You see, she wanted to study WHORE-ticulture.
Nurse: Wow, you really went out of your way for that one...
Pimp: Some of the cuts were vertical and some where WHORE-izontal!
Nurse: Oh sir, please?!
Pimp: She looks like she's been dragged behind a WHORE-se!
Nurse: Look, she's very weak right now.
Pimp: I know, I was trying to get her to eat something but she wouldn't eat anything. Not an entree, or dessert, not even any WHORE-d'oeuvres! All she would eat in the car was a pack of old WHORE-reos!
Nurse: Sir!
Pimp: Is she bruised up pretty bad?
Nurse: I told you yes!
Pimp: Bet she has some nasty charlie WHORE-ses!
Nurse: Sir!
Pimp: It's WHORE-rific! I don't have a lotta room in my car when I brought her here, you see - I drive a P-WHORE-sche!
Nurse: Sir, please!
Pimp: Is she upset?
Nurse: Yes!
Pimp: Maybe I should cheer her up! I'll play her a prosti-TUNE on my WHORE-monica!
Nurse: *slaps pimp's face*
Pimp: BITCH!
5 tags
“Well he was riding his bike /
And there was a lightning strike /
And now he...”
– Black Doctor sketch
7 tags
“I’m kind of jealous of people who have had happy lives. I want to kill...”
– Trevor, Sam in the Bag sketch
5 tags
Zach: To me, it sounds like he's saying he's going to... rape them!
Trevor: What? Ugh! Uh! No! No no no no no!
Zach: I'm sorry, it's-
Trevor: Sir! Get your mind out of the gutter! He's a grape! How is a grape going to rape a ki- what are you talking about?!