Whitest Kids quotes

Posted 2 weeks ago

Rex Bosworth: On this digital camera are pictures of you with your penis and balls out. It would be a shame if these pictures were to find their way into my quarterly magazine, Diamond Thieves Quarterly...
Freddy McNerney: My parents read that magazine!
Rex Bosworth: Everyone reads that magazine! It's super crazy sexy.

14

Posted 2 months ago

People like YOOOUUUUU:
Think that the devil lives in some sort of condo down in Florida!
Think that the devil lives in some sort of houseboat just drinking daiquiris and listening to Jimmy Buffet!
Think that the devil lives in some sort of abandoned railroad car just travelling from state to state, eating sardines out of a can and telling stories to strangers and petting a scraggly little dog that he has!
Think that the devil lives in some sort of magical hot air balloon kingdom where he just zooms around on a Segway scooter and watches soap operas and does sudoku!
Think that the devil lives in a rundown laundry detergent factory where he just eats candy canes out of a box that he has and he writes short stories and twirls his hair!
Think that the devil is some stowaway on Paul Simon’s tour bus just traveling across America and eating Teddy Grahams and when people fall asleep, spitting them in their ears!
Think that the devil lives on some jewel encrusted surfboard just floating in the middle of a wave pool, reading romance novels and thinking about boys!
Think that the devil lives on a Hollywood movie studio set that’s made to look like a World War II fighter jet and he just lounges around all day getting baked and calling his friends and hanging up on them!

35

Posted 2 months ago

You pretended to be dead with your weener hanging out and your thumb up your butt so we’d take pictures of ya? Gross!

Press photographer, Autoerotic sketch

1

Posted 2 months ago

This car is a… a van. You can… smoke in it.

Darren, Car Dealership sketch

6

Posted 3 months ago

Your Highness! I beg you, please do not fingerbang that manatee!

King’s assistant, Manatee Fingerbang sketch

3

Posted 3 months ago

PIZZA’S NOT FOR BREAKFAST! AAAARRRRRRRHHHH!

Sam, Pizza Bagels sketch

3

Posted 3 months ago

This is not a form of brainwashing. This is not a form of brainwashing. This is not a form of brainwashing. This is really the greatest country in the whole world. All the other countries suck. And if this country ever goes to war, as it often wants to do, I promise to help go and kill all the other countries’ kids. God bless Johnson & Johnson. God bless GE. God bless Citigroup. Amen.

Kids, Pledge of Allegiance sketch